Reaching out to an old colleague you lost touch with

For three years you saw them every day. You knew how they took their coffee and what their kids were called and which meetings made them roll their eyes. Then one of you changed jobs and, without anyone deciding anything, they became a name you scroll past.

Old colleagues are the easiest people in the world to reconnect with, and the easiest to reconnect with badly. The difference is one thing: whether your message sounds like you want something.

The colleague trap

Here is what your former colleague thinks when your name appears after four years of silence: they want a reference. Or a job lead. Or an introduction. Not because they think badly of you, but because that is what most messages from old colleagues turn out to be.

If that is not why you are writing, say so early. If it is why you are writing, say so even earlier. Either way the message gets better the moment it stops making them guess.

Say what you want, plainly

There are three honest versions of this message, and each works if it is honest about which one it is.

You want nothing. You genuinely wondered how they are. Say exactly that, and mean it, and do not slip a request into the third paragraph.

You want something small: advice, a perspective on their industry, a coffee to hear how their move went. Ask for it directly and make declining easy.

You want something real: a reference, an introduction, a job. Lead with warmth, then ask in one clear sentence, then make it clear that no is completely fine and the warmth stands either way. People are far more generous with a direct request than with one they had to detect.

The message

Hi Marcus. It has been a while, since the Halden project I think. I saw the news about your team's launch and it made me genuinely happy for you. I do not need anything; I just realized I had never said how much I liked working with you. If you are ever up for a coffee to catch up, I would enjoy that. If life is too full, I understand completely.

Specific, warm, no hidden ask, easy exit. If you do have an ask, add it as one sentence after the warmth, not instead of it.

When you left badly

Sometimes the silence is not drift. You were laid off and could not face the people who stayed. You quit without a goodbye. There was a disagreement that never got resolved because you did not have to see each other anymore.

Own it in a single sentence and move on. “I know I disappeared after the reorg, and I regret not saying a proper goodbye” does the whole job. Do not explain the circumstances at length; they were there, they remember, and the explanation makes it about you.

If the parting was sharp enough that you honestly do not know whether they would welcome hearing from you, a neutral intermediary can ask first. Vouch reaches out on your behalf and only connects you if they are open to it, which spares both of you an awkward exchange if the answer is no.

Where and when

Email or a professional network message is right for a colleague; a text feels too intimate unless you were friends outside work. Send it midweek, not on a Friday afternoon when it will sit unread until the following week. Then wait. Professional people reply on professional timelines, which can mean a couple of weeks.

If a reply comes, keep the first exchange short and let a call or coffee suggest itself. If it does not, one short follow up after a few weeks is fine. After that, let it be, and know you left a door open. The general shape of a first message after a long gap is covered in how to reach out to someone after years of silence.

Something you can do today

Decide which of the three honest versions yours is. Write it in four sentences with the true version stated plainly. If you would be glad to receive it on a busy Tuesday, send it.